Oregon or bust!

Well, I'm off to Oregon! I got an AmeriCorps position at the Mt Hood National Forest where I'll be working with volunteers, teaching environmental education and playing in the forest! ...and living in a teeny weeny town called Dufur!!

Instead of blogging about my adventures, I'll be keeping a photo journal here: http://picasaweb.google.com/AmberSchmitt

Check it out! And come visit!!

Back in the US

Well, I am back in the US! I am still pretty sick and spend most of my days laying around my parents house watching cable and eating as much cheese as I can. Man I missed cheese. Telling people that I left African hasn’t gotten any easier, but most everyone has been super supportive.

Despite laying around a lot, life really launched back into high speed the instant I got off the plane in Kansas City. I started sending out resumes to a bunch of Zoos after being in country for 2 days. I had my first interview with the Des Moines Zoo 2 days later. GAhhhh…too fast! Next Friday I am going to Des Moines for a second interview with the zoo. I got a new cell phone, and a car!! It's terribly cute, it's exactly the same as the one I had before I left, but it is 2 years newer and a beautiful blue…because we all know how I feel about blue :) I got a crazy good deal on it because I bought it from a high school spinster librarian who hadn't advertised it well and was getting desperate to get rid of it. My dad went with me and was super impressed by it…and it just got new tires! Can you tell that I'm a little excited about it?

Ok, well my mom is taking me to lunch for omelets with TONS of cheese :) so this is the end of Cameroon updates!

P.S. My iPod finally has music on it!!!

Lariam is lame

Bonjour my readers!

I just finished the most amazing Thanksgiving meal ever! We had a turkey that was flown in by the US Embassy...very cool. Everything else was made with Cameroonian ingredients, but was better than anything I've eaten in 2 months!! We had sweet potatoes, amazing mashed potatoes, salad, green beans, fruit salad, biscuits, and stuffing. It was very American. I actually feel very very full! That's a new feeling...

I got out to the market to buy gifts today, and I got a bunch of things but it is such an exhausting experience (all that bartering in FRENCH!!!) that I didn't get as much stuff as I had hoped for. I will try to find someone to go out with me again tomorrow. At least the things that I have gotten are pretty cool :) The best gifts are for Kael and Chloe because soccer is huge here so I got Kael a Cameroonian soccer jersey and Chloe a Cameroonian soccer bag. Way cool.

Here is the deal with the Lariam...there is a lot of paperwork and bureaucratic crap required to switch medications. I have a meeting with my PCMO tomorrow to sign out officially and we will discuss getting on doxy, but I'm not sure if they will be receptive to that or not. If I had decided to stay in Cameroon they would have switched me. I actually asked them several times during stage if they would switch me for various different reasons, and I was always told "you have to be on the drug 3 months before we can consider switching you." I am very aware of the risks of the drug, as I did my own research as well. I know you're worried, and I'm not thrilled to be on it...but I'm not suicidal! Extremely wacked out yes, but it is super comforting to know that when I return to the US and stop the medicine that I will once again become a non-bipolar normal individual. When I had malaria I took artesunate and another drug that started with an A….big words.

See some of you in a couple days!!!!!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Hello hello! I tried to keep myself away from the computer today because I felt like I was hogging screen time yesterday--plus I got stuff done today! I went out to the lab in the city, and picked up a couple presents. I feel really bad because I have NO souvenirs so far and no cool gifts for people. I can't go out in the city alone, so hopefully I will be able to convince someone to go back out with me tomorrow before our Thanksgiving celebration. If not...well you get me as an African souvenir!

Answers to questions…
I did get to say goodbye to my homestay family on Monday. My intermediary and my driver came back to my house with me in the morning and we called my homestay mother on the cellphone to come home from the fields to meet with us. (my homestay father is out en brusse until this weekend, so I didn't get to say goodbye to him) We all sat down together and my driver translated into fulfulde for me. My mother cried a little and said she was disappointed that they wouldn't get to come visit me, etc. It was very touching. Then we got up and starting moving all of my stuff to the vehicle. I ended with handing out a HUGE pile of presents for the family and then we waved goodbye.

My driver was very impressed that my 2-year old brother knew me by name and announced "Amber warti" (Amber is here - in Fulfulde) when we walked in. I though 'duh, of course he knows me...I'm Amber, I like kids!' He was a pretty cute kid :)

I didn't end up getting any pictures from homestay because it wasn't appropriate to take pictures as we were clearing out, and I had been saving it till the end of stage because I didn't want to advertise that I had a camera. Dang it. But Ryan promised to at least get a picture of the kitten and send it to me. One of my little brothers is quite happy to keep the kitten because he loves animals and we got a baby baby puppy at one point that he ADORED and my father got rid of it, so I'm happy that he gets to keep the kitten. Plus I feel very good about the way they treat her now.

I had my parting interview with the country director today and he tried to convince me to stay. He and the PCMO both told me that I should try getting off of lariam and seeing if that makes me feel better about being here...but at this point I'm totally invested in going home.

I do not have cerebral malaria, that's all I know. When I get back to the US, I will stay on prophylaxis for 4 weeks and will also go on antibiotics for 2 weeks to clear my liver of any parasites. I have a paper to take to the doctor saying what I've been exposed to in case I end up with weird medical problems back in the US...and of course the Peace Corps will reimburse me for any problems related to service.

I am super excited to see Uncle Gary during my 6 hour layover in Brussels…how perfectly did that work out?

Sorry, I thought that I had told you about my eye! I'm having 'visual disturbances.' What that means is that it appears that something is floating in my eye. I had an American doctor in Koza take a look at it, but he didn't see anything. One of the side effects of Lariam is 'visual disturbances.' Hopefully after going off of lariam I will start to return to being a normal person. I have absolutely nothing good to say about Lariam, nothing.

My PCMO didn't diagnose me with PTSD because he thinks that most of my problems are actually related to the lariam. My symptoms are CLASSIC lariam side effects. My country director actually suggested today that I asked the PCMO for some sleeping pills to help block out my nightmares while I'm still in country. People have really been pushing pills lately...geez.

Ok...done with questions, now I'll move on to new information!

I traveled out into Yaounde today to get my lab work done, and that was quite an adventure! I went with a guy who is flying out on Friday who is really good friends with the girl I was supposed to be replacing at Mozogo...so it was nice to have a companion, but being with him was awkward because he was telling me about how awful it is for an RPCV when their replacement ETs. Helpful, like I don't already feel bad enough.

The lab was interesting...it was pretty clean, but it would still never fly in the US. The lady who drew my blood ripped my vein and hit a nerve, so I left the lab and went straight to my PCMO for help. I was kind of freaked out because I couldn't straighten my arm and was in quite a bit of pain. The PCMO did a bunch of flexibility tests on my arm and declared that it was just a nerve issue and gave me massive amounts of ibuprofen. The swelling has gone down and I have almost complete use of my arm again. Not a big deal at all, but it was kind of scary at first. I'd hate for this adventure to end without any more issues :)

I just found some people to go out with me tomorrow to drop more stuff at the lab and then buy presents! Yay!!! I have no idea what I'll be able to find, but whatever I find, you will love. (I have declared)

Ok, I've been sitting here for a loooong time so I should go now. We are getting pizza delivered here soon--how exciting is that? No millet and gumbo for me--ever!!

Happy Turkey day, I love you guys! I would like to share what I am thankful for since I won't be at the meal: "I am thankful that I am returning to a place where I feel safe and loved and supported."

I'm in Yaounde!

Hello readers!While you slept, I safely made it to Yaounde via the night train. I traveled in style, I had a sleeper car with one cranky (but mostly quiet) roommate. My Peace Corps escort drove me the 4.5 hours from Garoua to Ngoundere where he got me safely on the train before he left me. When the train arrived, I was (after some time) met be another PC driver who drove me to 'the case' (Peace Corps headquarters) where I am staying for several days with other volunteers who are COSing (close of service).

This morning I had my extensive medical physical as soon as I hopped off of the train. Getting out of the Peace Corps is nearly as hard as getting in!! I will be covered by 'Corps Care' insurance for the first month after returning home. After that I can extend with them or choose another company. Good deal. By Friday we will know if my malaria is gone, and if I have amoebas or other fun stuff. Turns out that the Lariam is probably causing most all of my problems right now...including the thing in my eye, but the PCMO gave me a form to cover an ophthalmologist visit when I get back to the US for after I finish the Lariam if I'm still having eye issues. The PCMO was very impressed with how well I've maintained the health of my feet (they're still beautiful, just for the record)...the only 2 things that came up during the physical are that I've lost 10 pounds, and I have a yeast infection (in my entire digestive tract!). So overall I don't have any glaringly obvious diseases or funguses or other fun things.

I fly out of yaounde on the 24th, and fly into MCI on the 25th.

As you read this, I am a full 30 hours closer to home than I was before!

I need to go finish having people sign off on COSing paperwork. Love you!

sigh of relief

I want to start with a big thank you to everyone who has sent me e-mails supporting my decision to leave. Knowing that you guys are supporting me in my decision makes such a difference. It's not that I thought that you wouldn't support me, I just wasn't sure that I could really make you understand what I was feeling all the way out here. Everyone here has been really nice too...like the PCV that I stayed with last week in Mozogo was amazed that I was still around because as she said I'd ‘already been through twice as much as most PCVs go through in their entire 2 years.'

I packed up all of my stuff this morning and am ready to head out as soon as the peace corps gives me the word. I haven't contacted them yet because I think that they will want to hide me as soon as they find out, and I still wanted to do goodbyes and buy some souveniers...so I will call them this afternoon. It is possible that our safety/security officer is still up here in the north and that I might get to travel down to yaounde with her. That would be absolutely ideal because she is sooo nice and speaks english and would be simpathetic to my situation.

I can't wait to get home to celebrate Christmas, use a washing machine, eat American food, and watch Grey's Anatomy-- and I can't wait to see everyone!

hardest post ever

Below is the e-mail I recently sent to my family. Just posting it here, I am crying…this was so hard.

This is an e-mail that I never thought that I would be writing--I need to come home. I have tried to keep all of my e-mails, thus far, upbeat but I need to try to explain what has been going on here lately.

I knew that when I came here that things were going to be hard and that I would be tested and forced to expand my comfort bubble on a daily basis. I have met each of these challenges and have continued plugging away, but as bigger problems began to arise, everything started to become too overwhelming.

Challenges were small in the beginning--at first I had to say all those goodbyes, manage the airprt on my own, eat fish heads, force myself to conduct my entire life in a foreign language, travel to homestay when my family didn't arrive to pick me up, and struggle daily with incredible heat and dehydration. Thus far, life had been hard, but my friends here are amazing and we sailed through all of the challenges together. Then our APCD died and instantly mrale dropped. We stepped back and had to reevaluate what we were doing here. I threw myself into language and tech training and spent a lot of time decompressing with my friends each night.

On the night before Halloween, Ryan and I were sitting on the ledge outside my compound unwinding from the day, discussing how hard things are, and about how we were worried about the health group and their drinking habits. Right before 6:30, just before sunset, Ryan stood up to leave, and we were saying our goodbyes when a motorcycle with 3 guys on it drove by, slowed down, and turned around and stopped in front of us. When Ryan and I sit on the stoop, people come up to us all the time to greet us because we are so different. So when the guy on the back of the moto hopped off and said 'bon soir,' we were not concerned and remained standing in my compound door. When the man stepped forward, he reached one hand out as if to shake Ryan's hand, which is custom, but then raised his other hand over his head which had a large knife in it. At this point, things got very confusing. Ryan quickly handed over his backpack, which the voler ripped out of his hand. I hadn't seen the knife yet and reached out to grab Ryan's backpack because I didn't know what was going on. Ryan saw this and grabbed me by my backpack and threw me into my compound. At this point (now realizing what was happening) I lost all control of French and began yelling for my host father for help. He immediately came running, machete in hand, but the volers had already sped off on their motorcycle with Ryan's backpack.

Ryan immediately began hyperventilating, and I was really concerned that he was going to pass out. Somehow I remained clear headed and sat him down, got his water, and went to get my med kit to clean the scraped on his arm from when his backpack was ripped off his arm. Once he was starting to do ok, we called the Peace Corps to let them know what had happened. Within minutes, the training director, 2 language instructors, a driver, and a training coordinator were all in my compound lending support and getting our story.

Luckily, Ryan's little host brother had been watching us from under a tree, and was only 15 feet away when the attack took place and was able to relate the story in Fulfulde, and even knew the guys on the motorcycle. The director took my host father and the boy to the village chief's house to testify/complain, and then Ryan and I were taken to Garoua for the night because we were too afraid to stay alone at homestay.

The next day, the gendarmes had captured 2 of the guys, and the next day one of our language instructors caught the 3rd guy. The police later caught another guy who had bought the backpack, and as of last week they were still looking for at least one more guy who may have Ryan's things. Because of all of the adrenaline, the gravity of the situation didn't really hit me until the next day when Ryan and I had to stand up and tell all of the other trainees what had happened. I was obviously quite glad that they caught the guys so quickly, but I was rather distressed by the fact that they beat the guys to get information out of them. People here use corporal punishment for everything.

The scariest part of this entire situation is the fact that stage is considered the safest part of the PC experience. It turns out that the guys attacked us in order to raise money to go out and get drunk that night...and one of the guys was the host brother of one of the other girls in my stage. All of a sudden I felt like my entire world had been turned upside down. People began telling stories about how dangerous our neighborhood is, and how common assault is around here. I'm no longer comfortable walking through the market, down my street, or generally doing anything at all. I am paranoid about everyone I meet...and going on site visit only made it worse. Apparently the house that I am supposed to move into was broken into 7-9 times before the current PCV got there, and one of the doors is still broken from where someone forced it open. Then during counterpart workshop, our safety/security officer told us about volers peeling up the tin roofs and climbing down into houses while people sleep.

During the weeks following the attack, I became more and more nervous and emotional. I have nightmares every night, and my mental health is in shambles right now.

To add to the excitement, I was just diagnosed with malaria, and am on horrible medications for it. I also have an ear infection, and they think that I may have amoebas or dysentery, but didn't have electricity at the hospital in order to find out for sure.

I still really want to do Peace Corps, and the work at Mozogo sounds amazing...but there is no way that I can do this work and continue to put my mental health and physical safety at risk. It may seem that quitting is the easy way out, but please know that it took me weeks to admit that I need to come home, and it is still an incredibly painful idea.

I will try to get to internet again tomorrow if you want to respond to this e-mail, and then I will let Peace Corps know about my decision on Monday. I will have to travel to Yaounde where I will stay for a week getting medical clearance to return to the US. As soon as I know any more information, I will let you know.

I love you guys, and I'm sorry I don't have happier news for you.
Amber